I never wanted kids.
In fact, I’d say I was against the idea.
There was too much I wanted to see/do, and I thought that kids would get in the way.
Plus, I could easily imagine all the stress and worry that kids would bring. I worried enough about my family/friends, so why would I add to that with worry about humans that I was actually responsible for?
Things Change
Things changed, though.
First, I started accomplishing a lot of my long-term goals (see Free Ivy League Degree, Releasing an Album, etc.), thanks in part to the freedom and time that FI provided.
Second, my wife’s sisters started having kids and I got to see how fun/crazy they are.
I eventually came around to the idea, but more for my wife than for me (since I still wasn’t completely sure).
As you know, our son arrived in 2022, and fatherhood has turned out to be the best thing that’s ever happened to me!
Big News
We’ve enjoyed being parents so much that we decided to have another one.
I’m thrilled to tell you that we welcomed our daughter into the world at the end of last year, and she’s just as amazing as her brother is :)
A Big Lesson
This post isn’t to try to convince you to have kids though.
I know how it is to not want kids, or to think you can’t have kids. I’ve been in both of those camps, and we had exciting and fulfilling lives planned in both of those cases.
What I want to share is an important lesson that having kids taught me.
A decade ago, I wrote a post called Happiness Through Subtraction.
In it, I argue that it’s easier to increase your happiness by removing things from your life that make you unhappy, rather than adding things to your life that you hope will make you happier.
Since we’re bad at knowing what will make us happier, you’re likely to have more success increasing happiness by removing the things you know make you unhappier (because those things are more obvious).
I still believe this is the case, but there’s something that I missed…
Look at the Full Equation
All the worries I had about parenthood before having kids were all valid. In fact, the worries are even worse in reality, because I couldn’t imagine the intensity of the love I’d have for my kids before having them.
Even though the negatives are worse than I imagined, there are so many positives that I couldn’t have even dreamt of before.
My son and daughter have added a richness to my life that I didn’t realize was possible.
These incredible positives result in a overwhelming net positive, even considering the higher-than-expected negatives.
The risk of Happiness Through Subtraction is that you could have a net DECREASE in happiness by removing negatives, if those negatives are linked to harder-to-identify positives that you are also removing.
Applying to FI
So before you quit your job when you hit your FI number, think about the positives you may be also giving up alongside all the obvious negatives you’ll be getting rid of. Find replacements/alternatives for those postives before you pull the plug.
And if it’s possible to test the big change beforehand (i.e. by taking a sabbatical), do it. It’ll be easier to identify the positives you’ll miss.
Learn from Others
If it’s not possible to test beforehand, try to learn from others who have done what you plan to do.
I recently took part in a series called The Other Side of Enough, and I highly recommend you check out the entire series.
It’s incredibly well done, and it’s great for figuring out what you could miss once you decide to quit your job.
Here’s another post I came across about this same topic that I also really enjoyed – What Happens When You Leave Your Career (and Identity) Behind
Rethinking My Future
So does this all mean I’m going back to work?
Absolutely not.
Being able to be with my kids all day, while also still working on projects that are important to me, is incredible.
I’ve never appreciated my past financial decisions more than I do now.
But this realization has inspired me to think differently about future plans.
Why be a solopreneur with all these projects I like working on, when I could work with other people? I’ve always avoided partnering up with people on things (or doing anything that could involve the general public), but maybe that’s the wrong call?
It’s easy to imagine all the interpersonal hassles that could come from working with others, but what are the positives that I’m also giving up with this attitude?
Taking Decisions to the Extremes
Sometimes it’s helpful to imagine the extremes when making decisions.
Would I like to be a hermit and interact with nobody, ever?
Or would I like to be friends with the entire world, and occasionally have to put up with an asshole every now and then?
It’s obvious I would choose the latter, but all my decisions until this point have been moving me toward the former (because of my focus on removing negatives and avoiding potential future negatives).
Happiness Through Addition
Having kids has added more happiness to my life than anything else ever has.
So maybe it’s time to start experimenting with more Happiness Through Addition after all?
Congratulations :-)
I felt very similar pre kids and at the early stages. I have found it gets even more interesting and rewarding with time.
For me at least I feel having children is the ultimate example of how rewarding ‘doing hard things’ can be.
Enjoy!
Thank you to everyone for your very kind messages!
It’s incredible that I can go nearly a year without publishing anything, but then still get this kind of response when I do.
I really do appreciate it, so thanks :)
Congratulations! I discovered FIRE just after having my first kid. They are the “why” behind I fell into the FIRE movement. So I could spend more time with them.
Came across a quote the other day that might be quite apt:
“A life is not important except in the impact it has on other lives” //JACKIE ROBINSON
Keep up the good work!
Love it.
Constant refining and adjusting on what makes a good life is–itself–a key to a happy life.
We change as we grow, and it’s worthwhile to build our life on who we are today, not who we were yesterday.
Thanks for the morning inspiration.
I think if I keep doing this long enough, I’ll end up arguing against all of my previous posts at some point :)
Good to hear from you again, Joe, and hope you’re doing well!
Congratulations on your new addition and added joy! Wish you lots of happiness
Congratulations to both of you!!! Such lovely news :-)
My son has brought me so much joy too (and a trashed house), I’m not FI but I only work part-time so I get to do all the school pick ups and drop offs, play with him after school and go on all his school trips with him. Best of both worlds for me :-)
Great to hear from you again, Laura! And big congrats on your son :)
Let me know if you ever make it up to Scotland, because it’d be great to catch up after all these years!
Will do – Scotland is definitely on the my travel list – would be lovely to catch up!
What a beautiful post that is a testament to what a wonderful father you must be. Children are truly precious gifts. Enjoy every moment. They grow up quickly! Many blessings to your family.
Congratulations!
I had my son in 2022 and just welcomed my daughter in 2025. I’m still on my journey toward FIRE—taking sabbaticals along the way—but I’ve found that our life paths share a lot in common. It’s amazing sometimes how closely they seem to align.
Wow, congrats to you as well (and good luck, haha)!
Big congrats! Addition and subtract is a balancing act. Having kids brings so much joys into people’s lives. Additional, knowing what items in your life to subtract and declutter can also bring equal satisfaction.
Congratulations!
We also went from decidedly happy DINKS to parents. The change has been enlightening, mad, and joyful all at the same time. Hardest challenge of our lives but so worth it!
Wishing you a happy and safe delivery and congrats again!
Hi! Just wanted to write that I have been following you since discovering FIRE circa 2012-2013? This is amazing. It is so fun to see how people’s lives changed. Thanks for everything you have written about and done.
Thanks for sticking with me for so long!
Congratulations!
Having kids is a wonderful experience and a very good excuse. I cherish ours every day and I also changed a lot after having them. They truly do become the most important thing in the world!
Congrats! So happy for you and your family at this wonderful phase of your life. My only daughter is about to turn 30 and she didn’t want kids either (she’s been very happy being a dog mom). Well, she changed her mind a few months ago and will be having a daughter later this year. We’re all thrilled and as a mom (now grandma), it’s a beautiful thing to watch my baby have a baby❤️. Kids are little miracles and a symbol of renewal.
I didn’t have the benefit of being FI when my daughter was younger, and felt I missed out on some valuable time with her I can’t get back. But thanks in big part to you and your blog, I reached FIRE years ago and will get to have a lot more time with my grand daughter.
Congrats on your upcoming granddaughter! All the fun, but none of the responsibilities (or less, anyway). Enjoy :)
Congratulations Brandon and family! Enjoy the addition of the new love!
It is rare that you can actually feel the joy, comfort, and contentment that is “written” in an article. This one – you can! Congratulations to you and your family! May you achieve ongoing success and maintain your unwavering determination to continually grow, learn, and experiment. (After all, you are a Scientist!)
“Joy, comfort, and contentment” is a great way to describe it (and I’m very glad to hear that’s what came through in my writing)!
Congratulations to you and your family.
Impossible to measure the pros and cons of having kids when most of the pros isn’t measurable. It’s too hard to measure feelings. How to measure love, happiness, anger, proudness, impatience, etc ?
What people without kids don’t realize is how much experience of life a kid brings us. We end up learning so much.
Man, you are only in the beginning, we’ll see when they will get older and start to talk and play together. Things will get much much better!
No, having kids it’s not just good things, but I think overall in the end of our lives, we can look back and see how much empty our lives would be without them!
Congratulations! It’s been fun to watch your journey and the changes that occur as you age through life. I found you and through you FI. I was able to stay home with my 3 children until they went to school and then I became a single mom. I wasn’t financially able to retire until 65 when Medicare kicked in but your insights made this possible. Enjoy your children-they add so much
Congratulations!! I think that children (the financial implications of having them vs the joy gained from having them) and charity are two important areas of life where FI thought leaders rarely venture. If it’s not a math equation that can be optimized, FI people don’t want to talk about it. Kudos to you for covering this topic in a nuanced, thoughtful post.
In the future, you should do a post on charity :D
Congratulations! Love and life is about to get fuller and bigger. Wishing you the best
What an amazing post! Happy you finally found your way to the joy of children.
I’m still grinding away, with only hopeful dreams of FI (having 5 kids in under 5 years doesn’t help), BUT, let me share something I’ve started to learn the past few years that I think could bring your two worlds together in an explosion of synergy.
Share your projects and hobbies with your kids.
Like the fact that it’s hard to imagine the other side before you have kids, when they’re little, it may be difficult to see how this would take shape. And it may not for a few more years. But don’t underestimate what they can do, learn, understand, and even enhance. Give them opportunities to live up to high expectations and you will soar together!
Wow, man-to-man coverage is hard enough…can’t imagine being outnumbered by over 2-to-1!
And my son has already been to a music festival that I was playing at (and we regularly play music together), so he’s involved in one of my projects at least! Now I just need to figure out how to get him involved with the Mad Fientist :)
I found the same to be true when having kids. Great post!
Congrats to you and family. Looking forward to #3.
Ha, I think we’re good with two!
I love to hear that having a child has been so fulfilling for you – it has certainly been for me as well. So congrats on welcoming baby #2! I’m ~15 years ahead of you in this amazing childrearing journey and entering a new phase of life. This phase might be entitled “Sadness Through Subtraction”. With my oldest son (19) leaving for college last year and my youngest (16) is busy with school, friends, jobs, etc, my wife and I have found ourselves with a empty and quiet house more often than not. Both boys are doing well, so I cannot be more pleased as a parent. But I forgot about the part where I have to reinvent myself with this subtraction. The math for FI has always been straightforward…this subtraction, not so much. But its all part of the journey :-)
Our son is going to be starting nursery in August, and I’m not even ready to deal with that yet :(
Kids are such an under-reported topic in the FI world, probably because the estimates for cost range wildly and the intangible benefits are too difficult to quantify.
I think Brandi Carlisle put it best with:
“The first things that she took from me were selfishness and sleep
She broke a thousand heirlooms I was never meant to keep
She filled my life with color, cancelled plans and trashed my car
…Oh, but all the wonders I have seen, I will see a second time
From inside of the ages through your eyes”
Luckily my car was never that nice (FI goals) but my kids have changed my priorities and motivated me to spend less in order to have more time. Congrats again on your baby girl.
“…but all the wonders I have seen, I will see a second time from inside of the ages through your eyes”
This is one of the best parts about parenthood, and that’s the first time I’ve seen a quote about it!
I get to do and see all these amazing things again through their eyes! For example, I haven’t cared about Halloween for decades, but now I get so excited when it comes around because I get to be a kid again through their experiences :)
Always love to see the outcomes when people change their minds (no matter what the decision is). Your life seems enriched by this flexibility and your relationship with your wife! Congrats on the healthy happy children and joy they’ve brung!
Thanks for the post. My takeaway is that life is not about optimizing. So many good things in life are not efficient or optimized. To me, it is all about balance, and weighing the pros and cons of all your decisions. As an additional complication, some irreversible decisions cannot be fully ascertained until after they are made. Choosing to be parents is a prime example of that. It is so great that you made the right decision for your family! All the best.
As a lifelong optimizer, I’m slowly learning this (and completely agree).
Approval Rating for you – AAA+++
Having a family to invest is not unlike FIRE. With your financial house in order you and your will have a great time investing the experiences with your family. Grow happily in your role Dad.
To your success and growth as a family.
My kids are the best thing I ever did. Although not always easy, life wouod not have been as full or meaningful without them. I am convinced of that. Congratulations Jeff. So happy for you.
I absolutely LOVE this post! I have two (young adult) kids, and I can’t imagine life without them. The joy and color they bring to one’s life simply can’t be overstated! Having said that, I look forward to grandchildren (if/when my children decide they are ready). Enjoy your family – it truly is one of life’s greatest blessings!
Congrats. You’re such a thoughtful, caring person who is constantly evolving, so your kids will be lucky to have you.
I absolutely love this post! It’s so honest and refreshing to hear. I looked into FIRE back in 2012 while I was on maternity leave with my first kid, because I dreaded going back to work in 3 months and leave my son at a daycare. I actually found your site around 2012 (I was in my late 20s). It made me think about what’s important in life.. I still work but glad I started saving and investing when I found your site (inspired by the FIRE movement) because now I feel I have more options, and more passive income in case I want to change careers or take a pause from working.
Congratulations on having a daughter! I really enjoyed your post and I agree, it’s absolutely okay to change your mind about things over time. It’s part of life. I’m happy there are people out there who truly loves being parents. I also appreciate how respectful you are towards childfree people: “I’ve been in both of those camps, and we had exciting and fulfilling lives planned in both of those cases.” You understand the fact that childfree people, like parents, also fill their lives with experiences and people that bring joy and fulfillment. Having kids is one of many fulfilling things you can do in life. Regardless having children or not, it’s best to follow you heart and do what you want in life. Wish you the best!
Congratulations on getting a girl this time!, well done. I’ve got two boys in their mid 20s. Had them late in my late 30s.
Kids bring a new perspective on life. Enjoy them while they are young. They grow up so fast.
Btw you will also see your faults in them as well…
What a great piece. Having kids is the best thing we’ve done. Wish we would have had more.
Before you have kids, this is like L.A. Paul’s Vampire Problem: https://www.themarginalian.org/2017/09/13/transformative-experience-vampire-problem/
Yes! I hadn’t heard of the vampire problem before, but that’s exactly what makes it such a tough decision (can’t think of many other big life decisions that are irreversible).
Congratulations on your newest additions to your family! Best news!
99% of the time when I hear someone pretty fired up say “I would never want kids” I usually give them a few years. Things I would hear are: “OMG this is the best thing ever, no one told me about this”, or “Why did I ever delayed this (…fill in the blanks).
LOVE this so much. Found your work about ten years ago and have since had two kids myself.
I think people these days need as many positive role models for parenthood as possible and your post here is very beautiful
Congrats on your new addition! My kid is 10-years old. As the saying goes, the days are long, but the years are short. Everyone’s journey to FI is unique—whether before, during, or after—but we’re all working toward the same goal. My approach is a bit unconventional—part maverick, part stoic—so it doesn’t follow the typical FI guide. But in the end, we’re all on this path together. Wishing you all the best! Following you from Australia.
Congratulations.
So many things to do for your new child.
Enjoy your blank slate and molding your child with your hopes and dreams.
I look forwards to reading your new insights on your blogs.
It just goes to show we don’t always know what’s best for us. We just don’t. Congratulations to the toughest job you’ll ever love (yeah, stole that from the Marines lol).
Congratulations! What wonderful news. Love the way being a parent has opened you to other possibilities and ways of thinking.
As a father of two children (10 and 8 years old) I’m happy to hear you’re enjoying your growing family. Life brings on changes both good and bad. Like you said, hope it’s a net positive.
Today is my last day of work before taking off the next 2 months with my wife and kids for the summer. And thanks to your blog as well as others, I’ve figured out what enough is for our family & can afford to take that time off. We’ll be camping down Cape Cod and taking advantage of all the things our short summer has to offer. FYI, I’ll proudly wear my MadFientist T-shirt.
This is a very thought provoking post on parenting! I felt the same way as you did before having kids and even though it’s decreased my happiness level, it’s added a whole new dimension to my life and a whole new lense to view the world in. I can empathize with other parents way more and I’m constantly seeing everything with “childproofing in mind” when I travel. I also realize how I feel about my son is how my parents must feel about me. That’s a very poignant feeling. You are 100% right in that happiness from subtraction is called into question when it comes to deciding to become a parent. No regrets, despite all the sleeplessness and exhaustion. Congrats on #2! Does it get easier the second time around or way harder now that you have to care about 2 little ones?
Congratulations! We have a very similar life’s course here and I can’t believe how much of a change in mindset I experienced after we had our daughter. I absolutely cherish the time that we all have together thanks to FI. As I write this I am on a science expedition in a remote fjord (thanks starlink) yet even with a wealth of adventures with and without the whole family I am still sure I have plenty of time for all of it. I never would have dreamed I could be doing it all with a kid. I feel like it’s my responsibility to share this since I feel like the case for kids was a bit undersold to me. Thanks for the great post Brandon and it’s great to hear you and Jill are doing well!!
Congratulations! I wasn’t sure about having kids either but it’s definitely worth it. FIRE is even better when you have two little ones to share it with.
Congratulations!!!
Great thoughts today! I was also one not too interested in having kids …. but we did anyway — adopted two baby girls over the course of about 3 years. Of course, raising them was a challenge but…. what has been the best part of the decision to adopt the girls has been two resulting grandkids! Without the girls — no grandkids — and I had no idea of how wonderful grandkids can be. So — if your kids grow up and have kids — I know you will experience the same joy.
Again — good thoughts today — words to think about!
Congratulations on all the small and big additions in your life! Thank you for taking time away from us to be with who matters most.
Huge congrats on the new little FIentist! So great to see a new post pop up—always worth the wait! I’ve been writing about the parenting adventure myself (solo style), so I especially loved your take on how kids can make life shifts in the best ways. Wishing you all the fun, love, and hopefully a little sleep along the way!
Awww, I just love this
Congratulations..
This is a wonderful news.
I wish a a lot health to your daughter.
Enjoy the new adventure with your love one.
We are human and we can change our mind :).
Thanks for your motivational message
I really appreciate your openness to personal evolution and your vulnerability to share this. I have found that sticking too rigidly to my preconceptions can rob me of so much joy. Looking forward to hearing more as you continue on this amazing adventure of parenthood. Thanks for inspiring us all.
Congratulations on your newest additions to the family. Best news!
Congrats!!!
Congratulations and blessings to the new born and parents
Congrats brother!
I too thought I didn’t want children. Turns out eating and drinking like a pillaging viking does not give meaning to life but having a family sure does.
This might be a controversial comment, but here goes.
The core function of a biological entity is to reproduce.
There’s a reason why having kids is, on average, a rewarding experience: evolution demands it.
The data backs this up. A 2023 Pew poll found 87% of parents rank being a parent as “one of the most important, or THE most important” aspect of who they are as a person.
80% of the time they say it’s rewarding and 82% say it’s enjoyable “all of the time or most of the time.”
While FI enables one the free time to focus on oneself, I think it’s more important to gain free time to spend with young kids.
Of course, some people will have fertility issues, or might have congenital problems that make having kids not an option.
My main gripe is the stereotypical upper middle class six figure DINK couple who just can’t fathom giving up brunches, yoga, and 2-week vacations and purposely choose to remain childless. I don’t think they truly understand what they’re missing.
The corporate-pilled world hasn’t helped either. With both men and women in the workforce, the age people have kids has been steadily ticking up, which can cause fertility challenges. Most of my friends are in their mid 30’s and having fertility issues is the RULE, not the exception. People who conceive naturally with no issues seem to be the outliers. That’s a whole separate conversation.
In sum, the “child-free” movement is cringe and misguided.
Congratulations!
Congrats man! Kids are the ultimate long term investment, in many different ways. Now that you have two, I highly recommend the classic “Siblings without Rivalry”, it’s a game changer for teaching your kids conflict management skills.
congrats. I’m in a similar boat with my 2nd expected early next year. Family/relationships are what matter and putting career, money, finances etc. on par with those is truly flawed.
I had the pleasure of meeting both you and your wife in person in San Francisco sometime in 2016 or 17. I really like how you take a philosophical approach in your thought processes and the writing of this post.
I wish you and your family prosperous, long lives! Congratulations on your expanded family.
Hey – check out Arthur C Brooks. Think you’d appreciate his work around happiness