Happiness Through Addition

I never wanted kids.

In fact, I’d say I was against the idea.

There was too much I wanted to see/do, and I thought that kids would get in the way.

Plus, I could easily imagine all the stress and worry that kids would bring. I worried enough about my family/friends, so why would I add to that with worry about humans that I was actually responsible for?

Things Change

Things changed, though.

First, I started accomplishing a lot of my long-term goals (see Free Ivy League Degree, Releasing an Album, etc.), thanks in part to the freedom and time that FI provided.

Second, my wife’s sisters started having kids and I got to see how fun/crazy they are.

I eventually came around to the idea, but more for my wife than for me (since I still wasn’t completely sure).

As you know, our son arrived in 2022, and fatherhood has turned out to be the best thing that’s ever happened to me!

Big News

We’ve enjoyed being parents so much that we decided to have another one.

I’m thrilled to tell you that we welcomed our daughter into the world at the end of last year, and she’s just as amazing as her brother is :)

A Big Lesson

This post isn’t to try to convince you to have kids though.

I know how it is to not want kids, or to think you can’t have kids. I’ve been in both of those camps, and we had exciting and fulfilling lives planned in both of those cases.

What I want to share is an important lesson that having kids taught me.

A decade ago, I wrote a post called Happiness Through Subtraction.

In it, I argue that it’s easier to increase your happiness by removing things from your life that make you unhappy, rather than adding things to your life that you hope will make you happier.

Since we’re bad at knowing what will make us happier, you’re likely to have more success increasing happiness by removing the things you know make you unhappier (because those things are more obvious).

I still believe this is the case, but there’s something that I missed…

Look at the Full Equation

All the worries I had about parenthood before having kids were all valid. In fact, the worries are even worse in reality, because I couldn’t imagine the intensity of the love I’d have for my kids before having them.

Even though the negatives are worse than I imagined, there are so many positives that I couldn’t have even dreamt of before.

My son and daughter have added a richness to my life that I didn’t realize was possible.

These incredible positives result in a overwhelming net positive, even considering the higher-than-expected negatives.

The risk of Happiness Through Subtraction is that you could have a net DECREASE in happiness by removing negatives, if those negatives are linked to harder-to-identify positives that you are also removing.

Applying to FI

So before you quit your job when you hit your FI number, think about the positives you may be also giving up alongside all the obvious negatives you’ll be getting rid of. Find replacements/alternatives for those postives before you pull the plug.

And if it’s possible to test the big change beforehand (i.e. by taking a sabbatical), do it. It’ll be easier to identify the positives you’ll miss.

Learn from Others

If it’s not possible to test beforehand, try to learn from others who have done what you plan to do.

I recently took part in a series called The Other Side of Enough, and I highly recommend you check out the entire series.

It’s incredibly well done, and it’s great for figuring out what you could miss once you decide to quit your job.

Here’s another post I came across about this same topic that I also really enjoyed – What Happens When You Leave Your Career (and Identity) Behind

Rethinking My Future

So does this all mean I’m going back to work?

Absolutely not.

Being able to be with my kids all day, while also still working on projects that are important to me, is incredible.

I’ve never appreciated my past financial decisions more than I do now.

But this realization has inspired me to think differently about future plans.

Why be a solopreneur with all these projects I like working on, when I could work with other people? I’ve always avoided partnering up with people on things (or doing anything that could involve the general public), but maybe that’s the wrong call?

It’s easy to imagine all the interpersonal hassles that could come from working with others, but what are the positives that I’m also giving up with this attitude?

Taking Decisions to the Extremes

Sometimes it’s helpful to imagine the extremes when making decisions.

Would I like to be a hermit and interact with nobody, ever?

Or would I like to be friends with the entire world, and occasionally have to put up with an asshole every now and then?

It’s obvious I would choose the latter, but all my decisions until this point have been moving me toward the former (because of my focus on removing negatives and avoiding potential future negatives).

Happiness Through Addition

Having kids has added more happiness to my life than anything else ever has.

So maybe it’s time to start experimenting with more Happiness Through Addition after all?